And then it dawned on me...

...why I had a rough day yesterday.

The day before yesterday I mentioned in passing that technically I'm single.  I HAD  NEVER, EVER SAID THAT BEFORE.

Just over 2 years after his death and I have in some small way begun to accept it.  It was a milestone moment for me that I really did not enjoy.  Instead of seeing it as part of the process of grieving my mind immediately went here...

Ok, all sarcasm aside, admitting that to myself and saying it out loud really did hurt.

He's dead.  He's not coming back.  I am single.

And so I was uber sad and panicky with fits of weeping yesterday.  I hurt from head to toe and had trouble going outside.  But you know what?  I got through it.  I did go out to one of my appointments and I did NOT drug myself up and sleep it off which is what I have done for the past 2 years.

I practised some of the DBT skills ( Dialectical Behaviour Therapy ) I've been learning in therapy over the last several months and I got through it.

I don't have to like it, especially because I still feel married and I do not want anyone else, but I guess I'm going to have to eventually accept that he is really gone.

Yesterday a part of me reached some level of acceptance.

Progress fucking sucks.