Just a big 'ole depressing purge...move along...

How do you say happy birthday to a dead man?

You can't.

It helps to raise a toast, tell a funny story, or even just say his name.

David O'Farrell.  You were alive once and the centre of my universe.

You were real.

Our life together was real.

He would have been 41 this year.

Maybe it's all the drug changes and messing around with my brain chemistry but this year his birthday was so goddamned hard.  And I fucking hate the platitudes....still.

I guess maybe I'm still angry.

I just want him back.  Two and half years later and it still seems like such a bad dream.  I know some people must feel that I'm stuck in my grief and not moving on.

Fuck 'em.  This is my fucking journey.  Get back to me when you've lost your soulmate...when you've had to bear the strain of the world falling apart around you all the while doing everything you can to keep him going through his despair, his fear, his all encompassing anger.  My shoulders bore so much while he was sick.  People supported me where they could be so much was mine, and mine alone to bear.  And I would still do it gladly if only he was still here.

Get back to me when you have to stroke your soulmate's hair and hold him as he dies suffering gasping for breath and trying to scream but he can't.  

I just want him back.

I swear I would bear that and so much more if he was still here.
 
He did not deserve to suffer and die so young.

 It should have been me.

But now he's gone...dead at 38 and life makes no sense without him.

I live with 2 people I love and laugh with but there is still this pervading sense of wrongness in everything.

I've been in therapy for a year and have made great strides only to fall back into a helluva relapse lately.

I felt like I was ready to break the whole time he was sick.  But I just kept on going because I loved him and he needed me.

Now I don't know what to do.

I'm trying to use my new tools for coping.  I'm trying to have empathy for myself.

I'm trying to remember that "a relapse is only a reminder of how far you've come".

Just breathe.

I wish I believed that I would be with him again someday but I just don't believe in heaven.

Unfortunately hell is all too real.

I am a baker that does not bake.
I am a writer that does not write.
I am an artist who does not create.
I am alive but I do not live.

This is all just a purge.
A pressure valve releasing.

I miss him so much.
I wish I could bake you a birthday cake and you could blow out your candles.
I wish I could turn around and see you there smiling at me.
I wish I could hold you again.

David O'Farrell
May 26, 1971-Dec.21,2009

You will never be forgotten. 

The Universe told me to buy these...I swear...

So I got some birthday money from my Mom of which I'm so thankful for since I'm so poor.

Most of it will be used in very practical ways out of necessity but on a trip to Canadian Tire the other day I spotted something that make me stop in my tracks and exclaim, "OMG, THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE THE PRICE OF THOSE!!!!"

I'm talkin' about dishes.

Red ones.

I've had the same dish set from IKEA for about 11 years.  It's old, it's chipped, but still serviceable yanno?  Sure the teacups are too small and the bowls are too shallow to be really useful but who cares, it's not like I'm livin' large here.

But then I saw those red dishes at a rock bottom price and I was like a kid in the cereal isle.

A complete set of 4 place settings with large mugs for only $24.99.

Oh and did I mention they're RED?

I bought one set on impulse went home and got all angsty about spending money on something that was frivolous.  Then I thought, well it IS birthday money so why can't I buy just one thing that I like?  Plus I just did 2 years of tax returns that are going to turn out well so it's like the universe was practically telling me to go ahead and buy the frikken dishes.

And who am I to go against the universe?

But then I had a plan.  I went through my filing cabinet and pulled out a wad of Canadian Tire money that added up to just over $10.00 (thanks to about 35 cents from Dave T).

So you know what I did next?  I went back to Canadian Tire and bought the other set of red dishes giving me me a complete set of 8 place settings for $40.00!!! 

Plus I had more than 8 place settings of the old dishes so I managed to salvage enough of the old stuff to make up a complete set of 8 slightly worn out looking dishes that I'll try to yard sale.  If they don't go in a yard sale then I'll just donate them, thus hopefully contributing to good karma.

BEHOLD MY NEW DISHES!!!!!!!!!!!

 Thanks Mom!!!!

Feel the sugar rush my friends...

Guess who wanted home made pink buttercream icing on her birthday cake this year?

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I made it :-)

Ooooooooooooooh Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I bet you can feel the sugar rush through your screen right now.

Holy Hell! UPDATED

I'm now 40.

I'm celebrating at the moment with hives.

Go me.

*scratch, scratch, scratch*

UPDATE!!!

I would like to update this to say that apparently I was lying.

Sheila has pointed out to me that I, in fact, was in LA yesterday hanging out with the Bloggess and the author of the Twilight books (sorry George Takei, some things I can't control).

From:  thebloggess.com

I know, I know...y'all want to hang with me now that I'm chillin' out with famous people.

I'll have my people contact your people.

kiss, kiss

Update:  Ok, just to be clear, the redhead in the picture IS NOT ACTUALLY ME...hahahaa.  I live in a small town in Ontario, Canada but my friend pointed out that the woman in the picture looked EXACTLY like me and I thought it was funny.   There's been a little confusion over this which I actually find hysterical but I figured I should do the proper thing and set the record straight.

Happy Birthday Lucie!

Lucie and I met at a dance in grade 9.  She transferred to my high school the following year and I remember seeing her out at the bus stop in the first week of school.  I walked up to her and said something like, "remember me?".

When I get my shit together I'm totally going to go through my old photos and find a picture or two to post here just for fun. 

It's been a lot of years and we don't even live in the same city anymore but she's still one of my closest friends.

Love you Lucie.

HUTS