Tuesday, 26 June 2012

I can't shake it

Dave T and Sam chillin

So this morning I got up, took the dog out, flipped on the T.V., and walked over to make the coffee as usual.

As usual, I didn't pay attention to what was on the T.V. It was some sort of documentary on dogs. I like dogs, I have a dog...so I left it. I usually don't change the channel until after the coffee is made.

So I'm making coffee and I hear them talking about shelters. I hear dogs fussing in the background and thought nothing of it. Dogs fuss at shelters...this is normal.

I turn around to see a bunch of dogs in a big metal box that looked sort of like a chest freezer, some guy closing the lid, and another guy turning a dial on a canister of gas.

I start cluing in.

All of the sudden the dogs in the box start howling and whining.

They're being gassed to death.

And I'm watching it.

I can't handle this.

I'm not one of those people who needs to be shown how important animal rights are. Every fucking animal I've owned has been a rescue. Every animal I have owned has been spayed and neutered.


I'm also a highly sensitive person going through some very real shit right now and hearing animals suffering and dying is not something I can handle. This is something that is traumatic for me.

I dashed over trying to change the channel and I was so upset I was fumbling and couldn't get it to change right away.

I'm now sobbing listening to this box of dogs die.

I finally changed the channel but I just can't shake it.

I'm not writing this to say they shouldn't have shown that. People NEED to be responsible pet owners and NEED to know what happens to the animals that are not cared for responsibly.

The sad part is that the people who need to see this shit probably won't see it or most likely won't get it. If you don't care about animal overpopulation or responsible pet ownership, you're probably not going to care about a box of dogs in a mini gas chamber being killed.

I have no answer.

I just know I really did not need to see that this morning and now I can't shake how upset it's made me.

Monday, 18 June 2012

So I baked some cookies the other day...

And here's how they turned out.

Lesson 1:  Do not decorate cookies when your housemate is up on the roof alone and you are worried about him falling off.

Lesson 2:  Don't rush due to not following lesson 1.   Wait until you can use racks under ALL the cookies so they ALL come out cute and not a big blobby mess of icing.

Lesson 3:  When you think the icing consistency is too thin, don't say "it's good enough" and proceed to get it EVERYWHERE.  Red blobby icing only went well with the brain cookies.  Having a sheet of  maple leaf cookies look like they were decorated via a gruesome murder scene was not all that appetizing.

But they still tasted good.

Saturday, 9 June 2012


is this one here...

Over 2 days I have eaten 4 pieces of it.  It's  made by Dave T's Mom and it's the best lemon cake I've ever had in my entire life. 

She might...just might...give me the recipe.  :-)

Today during a trip to Kensington Market I also ate yummy chicken empanadas (thanks Sheila!) and something called a "spudagel".  The spudagel looked like a bagel but  it was more pastry like (think sausage roll) and had a potato onion filling.  It tasted really good so I'm assuming it was really bad for me.

Yeah.  Monday's weigh in with my weight management team is not gonna be so good.

Because of how much I've been struggling this past month since going off one of my meds, I've been emotional eating like a fiend.  Like a glutton who's eaten a fiend who was a glutton before they got eaten by another more gluttonous glutton.


I'm trying to get a hold of myself but my mood has just plummeted and I'm struggling with constant distorted thinking.

To make matters worse, they've assigned me a new therapist since mine is off due to major surgery.  This  new guy...I do not trust him.  We haven't actually met one on one yet...only in a group situation.  I see him on Monday though and I'm going to express my concerns...respectfully.  We'll see how it goes from there.

Right now though with my screwed up thinking and depressed mood, all I can think of though is that I'm so fucked.  Right now when I need help, I'm not going to get it.


Nothing feels right.

Except food.

Food is always fucking phenomenal dammit.

And that cake...MY GOD IT WAS AMAZING!!!


Friday, 8 June 2012

Happy Anniversary to me.

Today we would have been married for 15 years.

The picture is all pixelated and blurry...I don't have the original on my computer.  But this was our first dance on our wedding day.  

Here's  a candid shot of him sitting at the head table.  

Again it's sort of pixelated but he was so damned handsome.  You can't tell from this pic but he had the biggest blue eyes I'd ever seen. 

It was such a great day.  

Sure I have some regrets but none of them are about him.  Things that seemed so important and earth shattering then come to be trivial in hindsight.  So much time wasted on stressing out over drama and stupid things.

But still...I never once thought I'd made a mistake in marrying David O'Farrell.  He was everything to me.  Yeah we were fucked up, immature, and prone to making bad decisions but we loved each other so damned much.  

He was my best friend.

I would marry that man every day all over again even knowing everything we went through together.  

We should have had a chance to grow up and grow old together.

It's hard living without him.  Nothing seems to make sense when it feels like half of me is missing.  

But I'm still here...still kicking...still laughing...still loving my friends and family...and I'm still loved.

Times are tough right now with all my medication changes.  Right now I'm really struggling and really missing those big shoulders of his.  At times like these, he used to look at me, smile, and say, "you know what the best thing about hugs is?  I can always make more!"

Not everyone gets a soulmate.  I had one and I will love him forever.

Happy Anniversary Babe.  

Miss you so much.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Sheila's Magical Mookies

Sheila baked her mookies tonight.  What's a mookie you ask?

They're not a cookie.

They're not a muffin.

They are their own explanation! 

And they're awesome.

They deserve poems, and songs, and rose petals thrown at them but instead I'll just eat them.  And no I'm not giving out her recipe.

But the best ones, in my humble opinion, are the ones that are a leetle bit sunken in in the middle.  That makes them all crispy-chewy on the outside and then oooh so gooey chewy on the inside.


That is all.

Monday, 4 June 2012

Random Pics for Fun!

Just posting more pics for fun.

I've had an anxiety riddled day so I thought I'd do a little distraction therapy and blog some pictures.

Here goes!

Here's my dog Sam standing under the chestnut tree.  The ground is littered with fallen chestnut blossoms.

My car is adorable.

Look at that colour!  Isn't it gorgeous?  An Iris waiting to unfurl.

The 4 Leaf Clovers are back this year.

The biggest fish I ever caught!!!  (with Dave T's help of course)

This is a 7lb smallmouth bass caught on Lake Scugog a couple of weeks ago.  And I'm STILL tickled about it!  :-)

Anxious, anxious, anxious, anxious....

But the pictures make me smile.