Monday, 20 February 2012

Cookie Crumbs in my Bra

Do you ever take off your bra at night and find food in it?  Well tonight there were cookie crumbs in it which sorta got me thinking about navel gazing because I'm looking in the same general direction.

I've blogged before.  Sometimes it was funny but mostly, I admit, it was just venting negativity out into cyberspace and wishing someone could make it all better for me. 

This time I'm going to try REALLY freakin' hard not to do that.  Now, don't kid yourself, it ain't all gonna be cheery and positive.  I'm still learning to put a life together after the death of my soulmate and husband, David O'Farrell.  I'm battling mental illness and trying to learn a new way of doing things that gives me a life that isn't defined by my struggles with mental illness.  And sometimes shit happens, yanno?  It's a process.  It's not linear.  And I'm learning as I go.

So why cookies?

I've been baking cookies for a long time.  I baked my first batch as a young kid and I bet my sister will remember with a laugh that I tried to fit as many as I could on the pan not realizing that they expand as you bake them.  Yep...I ended up with one big cookie.

I'm no expert.  Hell, I don't even bake fancy cookies.  But I do try to do my best to make sure those cookies come out as best as they possibly can. 

Just like life, cookies can be good or bad.  They can be an amazing success or a horrendous failure.  Cookies take patience and respect for the process it takes to make them.

Sometimes cookies crumble and fall apart.

You can't put them back together but you can make new ones.

That's what my life feels like.

I thought my husband's death to cancer would kill me.  But here I am 2 years later breathing.  I can never get back what I lost.  That life is gone.  I will always grieve it's loss just as I will always grieve him.  You never get over loss like that, you just learn to live with it and eventually you learn that you have to make a new life for yourself.

He loved the cookies I baked for him.  His favourite were oatmeal chocolate chip and he would practically jump up and down with glee when I made them for him.

I love you.  I always will.

My late husband, David O'Farrell

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