...why I had a rough day yesterday.
The day before yesterday I mentioned in passing that technically I'm single. I HAD NEVER, EVER SAID THAT BEFORE.
Just over 2 years after his death and I have in some small way begun to accept it. It was a milestone moment for me that I really did not enjoy. Instead of seeing it as part of the process of grieving my mind immediately went here...
He's dead. He's not coming back. I am single.
And so I was uber sad and panicky with fits of weeping yesterday. I hurt from head to toe and had trouble going outside. But you know what? I got through it. I did go out to one of my appointments and I did NOT drug myself up and sleep it off which is what I have done for the past 2 years.
I practised some of the DBT skills ( Dialectical Behaviour Therapy ) I've been learning in therapy over the last several months and I got through it.
I don't have to like it, especially because I still feel married and I do not want anyone else, but I guess I'm going to have to eventually accept that he is really gone.
Yesterday a part of me reached some level of acceptance.
Progress fucking sucks.